etc...etc...

textsfrombennett:

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in forever.

 “Ground Your Boss From the Dick”

Wassup playaz…I wanna thank tha Lord Jesus Christ for blessin’ us with dis here pimpin. Without him I wouldn’t be able to go hard on a bitch for my fiscal health. I sent out my harem of bitches to hump up my mortgage money about an hour ago, so I got some time to get into some fan-mail.

Jonathan Evans, a dental equipment salesman from St. Louis, MO, writes:

“Dear Pink Shoe LaRue,

First off, I am a big fan. I have ordered all your products, and even threw all of my old Anthony Robbins CD’s away because of your “PIMP SLAP THE C.E.O.” series. I think I have most of your utterly brilliant Gorilla Pimp Business Tactics down, but I am having one problem. I feel like my boss Marietta isn’t showing me the proper respect I deserve. I put up the highest numbers, by far, of anyone on our sales force. Yet for some reason she 1. Won’t give me a raise on my commission 2. Doesn’t seem to care about all the great things I do for the company and 3. Just isn’t very nice to me!


How do I fix this?

-J.E.”

Pink Shoe LaRue’s response:

Well, well, well. Another classic case of a bitch thinkin’ she da top dawg. I see dis far too often in my seminars. A poor ol’ salesman, out there on his commission grind, gettin’ treated like a fuckin’ trick ass John by his female boss. Now playaz, dats a oxymoron if I ever seent one. What da fuck is a “female boss” anyways.

A female can’t be da boss of shit, other than: cookin eggs, suckin baby fertilizer out a man’s penis, and keepin’ her funky dick-box clean. If I recall (and I recall all things with majestic precision), God designed these donkey ass bitches with a big hole in between they legs. They ain’t got no penis muscle there. It’s just a giant space time continuum of weak emotions and superficial needs. A ho need a pimp. Not vice-versa. So how da fuck dis ho in a upper-managerial position? She prolly servin’ some of her warm little oyster to da CEO of da company. A certified TRICK. Anyways, here’s how you win her respect:

GROUND HER FROM THE DICK

See, after a long-night’s work, all 19 of my ho’s check in by 4:30 am. Now, I don’t give a fuck how many doctors, lawyers, tennis players, crack-heads, cowboys, and politicians dis bitch done served on that particular night: if my ball sack is tinglin’ and needs to squirt off a nation of unborn babies on a bitch’s face, you best believe my top ho Shavonne, is gonna serve Daddy.

No matter how many dick she done got withdrawals from: Shavonne know Daddy need his ass. But I don’t let her think that way. Nigga is you crazy? Shavonne don’t think Pink Shoe LaRue is in need of a bitch. Why is that? Cuz I’m her pimp, NIGGA. Shavonne come in the door and need Pink Shoe LaRue’s 11 inch meatstick right in her jaw. We have rules my nigga Jonathan. She begs for the dick. And if she was a good bitch and brought me a satisfactory purse of money for the evening, I may give her a little.

However, if she start fuckin’ off. Doin’ coke with tricks. Givin’ out free blowjobs, and pussy. Tradin’ her funky cock-box for drugs and not gettin’ maximum profits AKA NOT RESPECTIN’ ME, like your stank ass HIV carryin’ ho ass boss don’t respect you: I BEAT HER ASS AND GROUND HER FROM DA DICK.

Next time your boss come in talkin’ bout “You can’t have no raise Jonathan.” You leave a big purple knot on her eye and don’t show up to work for 6-7 days. See how her sales do then.

My bitches know if they are good and bring me $200 they may get some coke. If they are REAL good, and bring me $400 I will let them see a photo of my dick. If they are EXCELLENT and bring me $1000+ they can play with my dick for 30 minutes. Each additional $10 is an extra 5 minutes. But if they bring me $2000 or more? I let them fuck my amazing, John the Baptized dick. But only if they respect me and RESPECT THE GAME. Ground your boss from the dick, and only reward her when she proves that she knows that she’s the ho, and you the pimp.

Til next time playaz, Pink Shoe LaRue is out.

Having trouble getting your business off the ground? Having trouble with a co-worker? Need help supervising your office? Email all questions here: PinkShoeLaRue@gmail.com and I will respond in a timely manner.